Melting the iceberg of procrastination

Are you procrastinating by reading this text right now?

Procrastination is a common problem. I remember learning the term in college 10 years ago when everyone seemed to be talking about how they were procrastinating again. I was no exception.

What is actually going on when we procrastinate? We want to or need to do something and at the same time we don‘t want to. It‘s like pushing the gas pedal and the brake at the same time. It can‘t be good for the car. Or the bicycle if you prefer a more climate friendly metaphor :o

Now if you find yourself procrastinating and it does not really bother you too much, you might not need to continue reading this. But if you actually suffer from procrastination and have already unsucessfully tried to get rid of this habit, you might find a new perspective here.

The behaviour we typically call procrastination – wanting to act but not acting – is only the tip of the iceberg. Attempts to fix the problem on a cognitive or behavioural level are likely to fail on the long run. Why? They miss the much larger bit that‘s underneath the surface.

Procrastination is driven by an inner, emotional conflict which most of us are not aware of. There is one part of us that wants to do the task. Most of us have no troubles acknowledging that part. But there is another part for which accomplishing the task feels like loosing. We tend to not want to see this part. Because it‘s painful. Because it brings us in contact with the a toxic dynamic we encountered during our early development.

Take a moment to breathe and check in with yourself. The next part might trigger you. Feel free to not continue reading or take breakes.

The part which does not want to do the task is very important. It is the very rightful protest against a dynamic in which our primary caregivers saw us as an extension of themselves. Where it was more important that we would achieve certain goals, which they chose for us, than that we followed our own impulses and found our own path in life. This dynamic is called parental narcicism and it can take various forms. Perhaps you are familiar with statements like: „when we were your age, we simply didn‘t have these opportunities“ or „ go, make us proud“ or „don‘t make the same mistake that I did and do X“.

Now, you might find yourself thinking that this is bullshit and your parents have absuletly nothing to do with the fact that you are still reading this text instead of finishing your task. I‘m not surprised. In fact protecting our parents and blaming ourself, is what everyone does to survive environmental failure. It really is the core of developmental and attachment trauma and it was very intelligent. A child cannot risk loosing the attachment to their parents. Blaming them would mean death. The only other option for the child is blame itself. To believe that there is something wrong about me, that if only I work harder, if I improve myself, if I change X about myself, ... Sounds familiar?

Dr. Laurence Heller, the founder of NARM, recently said that procrastination is essentially a long overdue f*ck you to the parents. F*ck you for taking credit for my accomplishments, for making me live the life you never had, for using me to show off. Disgusting, isn‘t it?

So the part in us which protests is important. It is a voice that hasn‘t been heard, because it was too dangerous to speak up back then. However, nowadays you can decide to gently turn towards it and acknowledge how rightful your anger and rage is. Over time, by giving voice to these emotions and redirecting them away from yourself and towards where they belong, you might find that the iceberg of procrastination is slowly melting.

The trauma sensitive approach to addressing procrastination might not be a quick fix. However, by acknowledging the roots and the complexity of the issue, there is a chance for real change.

In summary, if trying to stop procrastinating with cognitive or behavioural techniques does not work, these interventions could be an internalized continuation of parental narcicism. By gently and curiously exploring also the part which rightfully protests against this injustice, we can resolve the internal emotional conflict and gain agency to do what we really want to do.